I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
