I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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