thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
