not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
honey bunches of taint.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
