Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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