What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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