How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
