I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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