i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
