Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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