So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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