I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
