did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
