I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am midnight drunk by noon
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm always down for nudity.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
