I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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