If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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