Yo dont text me then not text me
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
