The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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