omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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