I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
