she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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