Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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