Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
