2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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