Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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