i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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