We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
