I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
