My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
