Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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