i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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