Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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