how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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