Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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