Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
