she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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