I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
