You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
