I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
