my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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