Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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