or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
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Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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