I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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