At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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