I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
