You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
