He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
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well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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