I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
