Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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