Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
