I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
