everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
