This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
