Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
