How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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