Pappa wants mamma naked
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
